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And this is a puzzling omission, because millions of Americans fall into this category. A New York Life Foundation nationwide survey of 1, adults age 25 and over revealed that 14 percent of those surveyed lost a parent or sibling before the age of If we apply that percentage to the United States adult population as a whole, even conservatively, nearly 30 million people in America experienced the death of an immediate family member during childhood or adolescence. Why is this important? Because we know that mismanaged and unexpressed grief can surface later as unregulated anger, take root as depression or disease and fuel a desire to self-medicate.

Imagine a population of 30 million people with stories of major, early loss, many of them unspoken and suppressed. Then look around. Unmourned losses from the past could be a public health crisis. Very young children may not yet understand what death means. Teenagers have to balance the typical tasks of adolescence with the extraordinary demands of mourning.

If overwhelmed by both, they may push one aside for a while, only to revisit it 10 years down the road. Or Or more. The posterior cingulate cortex, frontal cortex, and cerebellum are all brain regions mobilized during grief processing, research shows. In the short term, neurology assures us that loss will trigger physical distress. In the long-term, grief puts the entire body at risk. A handful of studies have found links between unresolved grief and hypertension, cardiac events, immune disorders, and even cancer.

It is unclear why grief would trigger such dire physical conditions, but one theory is that a perpetually activated sympathetic nervous system fight or flight response can cause long-term genetic changes. These changes — less pre-programmed cell death, dampened immune responses — may be ideal when a bear is chasing you through the forest and you need all the healthy cells you can get.

But this sort of cellular dysregulation is also how cancerous cells metastasize, unchecked.

While the physical symptoms are relatively consistent, the psychological impacts are all but unpredictable. It is normal to withdraw from friends and activities; it is normal to throw oneself into work. As ever, context matters. Sudden, violent death puts survivors at higher risk of developing a grief disorder, and when an adult child has a fractured relationship with a parent, the death can be doubly painful — even if the bereaved shuts down and pretends not to feel the loss. Presumably, their parents died unexpectedly, or at least earlier than average.

Gender, of both the parent and child, can especially influence the contours of the grief response. Studies suggest that daughters have more intense grief responses than sons , but men who lose their parents may be slower to move on. Losing a mother, on the other hand, elicits a more raw response.

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At the same time, the differences between losing a father and a mother represent relatively weak trends. I sometimes feel prone to misreading basic rules on how to live—at what pace, and to what end—because my brain was rewired to see a nightmare instead of a game. If I could rid myself of this companion, this salience, perhaps I could be happier. The three people who start out this essay all lost a parent of their same gender. So did another woman I spoke with. In a way, we are all members of a variable group. Sai, the young man who lost his father to lung cancer, spoke to me of work.

His dad lived a life of thwarted ambition. Sai has vowed to do the opposite. His dad wanted to write but never did; Sai already has a book contract. His dad relied on cigarettes; Sai relies on awards. He thinks often of his obituary. He hopes awards guarantee a life beyond this short one. May, whose mom died of heart failure, dreams of being a mother. She seemed to see danger in the prospect. Her attentions went mostly to her dad and brother.

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Then her dad remarried. Her brother got into medical school. Motherhood, the expected subject of the call, is too painful to discuss, due to a health scare that recalls her own mother, who died of cancer. She tells me another story instead. Then they reasoned that the woman would be fine, and so would her husband. Faith speaks in a breezy, almost humorous tone, but the point of the story is not hard to miss: all the women in her family die early, and Faith is a woman.

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The stories we tell ourselves can come true, a therapist once told me. On his website, he pitched himself as a dismantler of old stories, clearer of space for new and better ones.

Loss of Mother Quotes for Mother's Day - Sympathy Quotes for Loss of Mother

I held back from repeating this bit of neat poetry to the people I called. But I did wonder if the stories of doom I heard perpetuated their own conclusion. Vidya told me her mother died six years after a doctor gave her six years to live. Details felt like recitations.

Six years , played in a brain—what can that refrain do to the body? Maybe some words work more like orders than predictions. Children are meant to see parents die, rather than the other way around. Death before retirement complicates that script. My mother was at work one day and in a hospital bed the next.

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Illness stripped her of her power of speech and movement, of her hair, her privacy. I saw her body as a nurse carried her to the toilet in a hospital gown that flapped open. I touched her arm at the funeral, imagined her friends turning that cold mass of limbs to wrap in a sari, and thought she would hate how she looked: bald and, just as disturbing somehow, in a carefully pleated sari.

Losing Our Mothers

She always went for the pinless, fabric-falling look. Death, I thought, was a quick stripper of personhood. One particularly dark, mortality salient night after my divorce, I decided it was time for a new story. I decided that night to slip into a pretense: I would pretend to be a child. I would need to split selves, though, to be a mother to this child self.

Illness now looked like a byway to a shared destination, with its own sights and lessons—not to be desired, but not feared either.